fashion police

today's list concerns fashion crimes i've seen perpetrated too often lately. i admit it: i'm certainly not the most stylish person. i wore stirrup pants in middle school; it haunts me to this day. for a long time my basic personal style could be summed up as "not naked". but lately i've tried to go against standard lab attire (jeans and t-shirts); i have a closet full of "nice" clothes that otherwise wouldn't get worn, and the chances of me spilling acid on myself aren't that great either, so why not? that's what the white coat is for (besides keeping me warm). ANYWAY, the following are a few trends that have been driving me crazy.

formal shorts

bah! awful! as much as i love gwen stefani, those are glorified granny panties. (both images from gofugyourself)

onesies

very similar to the above. and not just limited to celebrities, i saw a girl at a bar in midtown wearing one not long ago. didn't we learn our lesson in the 90's with leotards? are we bringing back trends based on clothing we wore as children? if so, i have an idea for some formal footie pajamas. (photo from urban outfitters)

shirts as dresses

clearly too many girls are confused about what constitutes a dress. it's not a problem wearing a short dress over pants, but alone? in times of uncertainty, here's a handy checklist:
1. is it alarmingly easy to sit on the toilet, without moving any fabric?
2. does sitting normally make you feel like something's missing, like a speculum and stirrups?
3. will photos of you performing any action besides standing require the addition of strategically placed colored dots?
if the answer to any of these is 'yes', then ding ding ding! you're wearing a shirt! thanks for playing. (photo from daddylikey)

orange pants
ok, i don't have anything against these per se. i like brightly colored anything, really. but what puzzles me is that i've seen a girl that works down the hall from me wear the same pair of orange pants every day for a week. i'm guessing she's a grad student, and that means she has far more important things to be worrying about than what she wears. but if it were me (in which case i would probably be found in scrubs every day) i might not choose something so.. memorable as orange. it kind of lets everyone know "yep, it's laundry week!"

empire waists
again, i don't mind these so much, it's just that i'm tired of them. on a lot of girls they're flattering. on me, i look a. stumpy and b. young. and we've already established that i appear childlike enough as it is. i have hips; when can those come back?

if you've read this far, you deserve a cookie.